little sarah Big World

May 7, 2013

Simplify

(w/ Chad)

And so we turn towards simplicity. Towards sanity and good health, and that means early morning runs and healthy, home-cooked meals, fewer vices and better sleep.

Our first meal cooked together!

It means long walks and longer talks, checking in every morning, and after work, and before bed. It means facing our problems (for me: job stress and anxiety) head-on, rationally, and knowing the difference between a worthy challenge and a waste of time.

momiji

Most of all, a turn towards simplicity means a turn towards each other, and towards what really matters in life–our well-being, our friends and family, our passions and interests, and our sense of wonder, inspiration, creativity and drive.

And yesterday it meant epic shopping: new wardrobes for new jobs, plus bags of books to feed our hungry minds. It meant a day trip to Tokyo, a shopping field trip, with burgers and fries and iced coffee and frequent pauses to observe/avoid the madness, plus a Sunday stroll through the park, and big plans for the future.

*       *       *

It feels good to follow our own good advice.

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May 6, 2013

A Breath of Fresh Air

Chad and Sarah = Jack and Rose

Sometimes I can’t go straight from things being broken to things being fixed, because I need to make a rest-stop in a place where things are okay. Like a waiting period between identifying the problem and tackling it.

I remember a camping trip, age 19, summer after freshman year of college. I had taken ecstasy for the first time (heavily cut with speed) and spent a wild night talking and emoting at full blast with my best-friend and roommate in the front seats of my boyfriend’s parent’s Subaru. Despite what I’d heard about gnarly emotional come-downs, the next morning I mostly felt tired and newly opened, or pleasantly vulnerable. I got dropped off back at my Mom’s place, where my older sisters were bustling about, cooking and gossiping with Mom, taking care of baby Bashy. The air seemed abuzz with a sort of hectic femininity, with childcare and recipes and house work and strong female bonds. I felt so susceptible to all that womanly grace, and also very overwhelmed.

Because…how could I ever express to my mother and sisters what they meant to me, and how much I admired and needed them? How could I gracefully make the transition from sullen, solitary teenage angst to warm, giving, jovial womanhood? Most importantly, how could I share this new-found love and appreciation without revealing the fact that I’d taken illegal, mind-altering substances the night before?

Ha! Then I remembered I didn’t have to do it all at once. That I didn’t need to make any grand proclamations or sudden life-altering turns to affect the change I wished to see in my life. I could do it little by little. I could start by just being there, spending quality time with my beloved female family. So I sat down on the bed where Natalie was changing Bashie’s diaper, and we talked.

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May 5, 2013

Things I Have Not Been Telling You

On a Windy Day

It’s not just adjusting to a new life, Friends. It is everything all at once. It is a new life, new country, new apartment, new job(s), new marriage and new definition of myself. Who is littlesarah, after all, without her friends? Without her family, or her coffee shop job, or her perfect apartment in the Avenues? Who am I in this Big World?

Better question: how am I coping? (Answer: not perfectly. Not as well as I had thought/hoped).

Historically, I have not dealt particularly well with Changes.Yet, as my mom so astutely pointed out, “I don’t know anyone who places themselves at the epicenter of change more than you.” (And I did appreciate that little earthquake reference).

So. What I’m trying to say is there are many reasons I’ve been distant, silent, cryptic, etc. But I’m back, and I want to let you know why I was gone and what’s been going on.

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May 5, 2013

Presently

buildings and wires

We live in an apartment on the fourth floor of a pink building with a dinosaur on the side. He’s a mascot for the laundromat downstairs.

Next door is a “Girl’s Bar,” in a black building so close you could reach out our bedroom window and touch it. Must be a tame locale–we’ve never heard any music, laughter, or shouting.

Just around the corner is a blue building with an Okinawan food restaurant, where we speak Spanish to our Japanese waitress.

There’s a partially-covered highway just down the street, and we use it as a landmark on our long, winding runs. A sort of homing device.

We’re about 2 blocks away from Makuharihongo station, and at night we can hear the trains passing in the near distance, going “shk-shk-shk.”

Spanish meets English meets Japanese meets French

Across the street is a French-style bakery named Elefante, where we get sandwiches for picnics with friends, or sweet buns and pastries on lazy weekend mornings.

There’s a grocery store, a convenience store, a dollar store and a discount liquor mart, all within a one-block radius.

It’s a small, sleepy commuter suburb, but it has everything we need. It’s our little corner of the world, and it’s perfect.

*       *       *

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April 30, 2013

A Little (More) Walt for Your Wednesday

 

(from Whitman’s “Song of Myself”)

Leaves of Black and White Grass

 

Quiet mornings spent reading are what I need right now. Maybe some tea, and a good hug. The world around me is full of possibilities, and beauty, and I am trying to take it all in, to bloom where I’m planted, no matter how many times I uproot myself.

not dew, but rain

And in some ways, things are looking up. But in other ways, it’s not so clear. Working with special needs kids is something I never thought I’d do, or be good at, but here I am, and the kids love me, and already they’ve made such an impression on me.

But there are other things to take into consideration, other jobs, and writing, and relationships, and it can (and does) all feel a bit overwhelming at times.

Sometimes more than a bit. Sometimes it seems like an insurmountable problem.

But, in the end, I know that I must figure it out for myself. And that I can. (I think).

Climb that hill, one step at a time

snapping photos on my phone like an iPro

 

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April 30, 2013

Reckoning

a thousand acres

“Have you reckon’d a thousand acres much? Have you reckon’d the earth much?Have you practis’d so long to learn to read?
Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?

Stop this day and night with me, and you shall possess the origin of all poems;
You shall possess the good of the earth and sun — (there are millions of suns left;)

millions of suns

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April 12, 2013

True Love Means Getting Up Off Your Ass

~OR~

Now That I’ve Got Your Attention

Shinjuku, Tokyo

Sometimes we all need a kick in the pants, and I’ve had nearly nothing but, of late. My ass is sore as hell. Life is kicking me in the pants, so is my job search, so is my husband, so is Japan.

Meaning: there will be no resting on my laurels, no getting comfortable, no easy way out. If you want to be a writer, littlesarah (the world seems to say), then you’d better dig in and make it happen. (But be prepared to go through hell for it, first).

So just as I’m getting back into my writing–prioritizing it (for once)–Cousin Misty nominates me for a Versatile Blogger award. “Put your money where your mouth is, Cuz” (she seems to say).

http://survivinginitaly.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/versatileblogger113.png?w=500

And who better to give me the push that I need, than someone who takes writing seriously, who makes it her business. Her blog, Surviving in Italy, is a no-holds-barred, honest look at what it really means to be an expat, to be in love, to make art, to get bruised…with cynicism and humor, in equal parts. She also dedicates herself to beautiful, brutal memoirs and essays (plus the occasional work of fiction) at Dirty Filthy Things. And she makes high-end clothing. And she’s a model/spokeswoman. Probably she has laser eyes, too.

What I’m saying is: it’s a lot to live up to, but I’ll try. Also, thank you for this nomination.

Harajuku Fleurs

Without further ado, Friends, here we go!

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April 11, 2013

A Brief Re-Introduction (for Readers New and Old Alike)

~OR~

My Current Self

~OR~

An Idea Stolen from Espy

taken in Eric and Iz's room

littlesarahBigWorld has come a long way, and so have I. Though…lately, I’ve felt a bit like nowhere, felt a shrug of nothingness. And posts have been fewer and further between.

That’s because, in the span of 9 months, I broke up, fell in love, remembered my old friend Anxiety, quit my job, got married, turned 27 and moved to Japan.

So…maybe it’s time for a reintroduction, as much for myself as for you. Try to nail down some specifics in an otherwise nebulous, quicksilver existence.

socks by Steve

My name is Sarah. I am 27-years-old. I live in Japan.

a rare slow day

I like simple pleasures, slow moments, sunshine, soft light.

a minor victory

I love to bake, to garden, to cook and to read. I like long walks and long runs, and music to match my solitude.

bad-assery at its finest

I overwhelm easily, tend to regret my Life Choices, and generally struggle and thrash about. I know what makes me happy, but sometimes, on a whim, I choose what’s harder. And sometimes I choose what I want over what’s right. Then I fret.

surreal

My favorite breakfast is a big bowl of cereal and an inbox filled with possibilities. An open notebook and an open schedule, a full day asking me, “What will you do?”

I will: run, eat, read, write, snack, walk, listen, think, connect, write, cry, hug, cook, talk and sleep. Maybe I’ll squeeze a nap in.

Because when I grow up, I want to be a writer. “A writer, an activist, a musician and traveler,” I said when I was 21.

That was over 5 years ago. Now I am married and live in Japan.

or Best Friends

Time is a cookie, friends. Sometimes it is sweet and delicious, and sometimes it is a falling-apart mess.

Sometimes I am a falling-apart mess. And you are, too. Sometimes.

But sometimes you are beautiful, and happy, and full. Or you are decent, and kind, and careful. Or you are hideous, tear-stained, 3am insane.

So am I, and that is the truth.

We are all of us, all of these things, my friends, and I don’t want to hide any part of it. I want to tell the truth.

Because when I grow up, I want to be a writer. But more than that, I want to be me. Lasting forever, and starting right now.

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March 23, 2013

Gu-ri-mu-pu-se-su (“Glimpses”)

An Illustration in Sunlit Dining

~Tuesday, March 19th, 2013~
(Saint Etoile, Kaihinmakuhari)

“Breakfast in a ‘French-style’ bakery at the train station. The toast set includes a small salad of cabbage, lettuce, corn, tomato, and hard-boiled egg, topped with mayonnaise. But the toast is good–thick, like Texas Toast. Blueberry-grape juice makes for a surprisingly delicious combination. Tastes a bit like jam.

Ashtrays everywhere. Here, you can get a $20 ticket for smoking on the street (and Chad almost did, first thing yesterday morning), but you can smoke most anywhere, indoors. There are designated smoking areas in restaurants, even fast food joints.

Also everywhere: R&B music. Like right now, at the bakery, or yesterday at Mos Burger (where we ordered a tempura veggie burger with rice patties for buns). Except that I don’t recognize any of the songs. It’s like Japan has some never-ending reserve of obscure, 90s R&B jams. Reminds me of Perry.”

*       *       *

mexican flag colors inside a Japanese bank

More to come, Friends. Always more to come.

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February 10, 2013

View from a Sunday

And on a day I went to yoga, no less!

Been walkin an awful lot lately. Seeing ridiculous, wonderful things. Like a chicken, running away down an alley, white tufted bottom bouncing.

and personal? Or detached?

Like the words “S & M Forever!” spray-painted onto the sidewalk, as I am listening to talk of the myth of sex addiction as it relates to BDSM on the Savage Love podcast.

photo shoot

And other strange beauties. I don’t mean to brag, or to presume, but life feels pretty fateful right now. Well, equal parts fate, happenstance, and serendipity.

Things are good, and things are about to change, and change is good. That’s all.

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