little sarah Big World

respite

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

(Dad’s House – Pleasant View, UT)

“Lately, my first thought upon waking is that I do NOT want to be awake. Or alive. I’m flooded with anxiety, regret, and disappointment at having returned to consciousness.

Doesn’t bode well, does it? This, of course, is why I’ve chosen to seclude myself in Pleasant View, my own little suburban Walden. Bright, expansive wintry days to read, write, run, play viola, bake, and see if I can put myself back together–assemble the rough pieces into some sort of coherent whole. Stop hating myself. Stop hurting myself.

That’s the plan, at least.”

 

Dream Catharsis

Dreamed early this morning that I tried talking to bring up what we were going to do about _____ at band practice, and I made my points, just like I’ve rehearsed, but to no avail. I got angrier and angrier, until I blew–quit the band and ran, just like that (real) day walking home with Kevin, the feeling of my legs growing more and more tired, heavy, but not wanting to stop.

In the dream, I was running past the palace and cathedral on the west side of Madrid, people everywhere, a sunny winter’s day. My friends chased after me, and when I fell to the ground, my face on the grass, exhausted, Chi brought his head down near mine and whispered kind words, kissing me gently.

I woke up confused.