After a week in Pleasant View I feel better than I have in a long time–relaxed, more like myself, ready for What’s Next. I decided not to go back to school, because it doesn’t make me happy. I hate school. How do I always forget that? It’s not that it’s difficult–I can pull straight A’s out of thin air, it seems–but I hate having demands on my time like that. (Work is okay, though, because it pays).
Also decided to move out (of here), because living there doesn’t make me happy, either. I need time and space to myself. Lots.
I spent the week going through all of my old photos and memorabilia and throwing out anything I don’t need–photos from the last day of fifth grade, movie stubs from middle school, etc.–a project inspired in part by this family (more on that to come…). I’m constantly trying to re-evaluate what it is that I truly need and continually paring down. This time, however, with the pictures and the memories, the results were…cathartic. Without even meaning to, I let go of the past, and all of the shit I’d been holding on to and identifying with just drifted off. It’s nice to have the memories, but I don’t need the reminders. I don’t have to be who I was. I don’t have to repeat the same patterns over and over.
I can embark on my life, from this moment forward, with everything I need inside of me–memories, thoughts, ideas, intentions, emotions–and I can confront each new situation and ask myself if this is what I really want, or if I’m just numbly going through the steps down a path that I no longer want for myself.
I feel so free. And I celebrated with the two men who love me for who I am, no matter what I choose. By eating chicken wings.