little sarah Big World

The Men in My Life (and other things that make me happy)

After a week in Pleasant View I feel better than I have in a long time–relaxed, more like myself, ready for What’s Next. I decided not to go back to school, because it doesn’t make me happy. I hate school. How do I always forget that? It’s not that it’s difficult–I can pull straight A’s out of thin air, it seems–but I hate having demands on my time like that. (Work is okay, though, because it pays).

Also decided to move out (of here), because living there doesn’t make me happy, either. I need time and space to myself. Lots.

I spent the week going through all of my old photos and memorabilia and throwing out anything I don’t need–photos from the last day of fifth grade, movie stubs from middle school, etc.–a project inspired in part by this family (more on that to come…). I’m constantly trying to re-evaluate what it is that I truly need and continually paring down. This time, however, with the pictures and the memories, the results were…cathartic. Without even meaning to, I let go of the past, and all of the shit I’d been holding on to and identifying with just drifted off. It’s nice to have the memories, but I don’t need the reminders. I don’t have to be who I was. I don’t have to repeat the same patterns over and over.

I can embark on my life, from this moment forward, with everything I need inside of me–memories, thoughts, ideas, intentions, emotions–and I can confront each new situation and ask myself if this is what I really want, or if I’m just numbly going through the steps down a path that I no longer want for myself.

I feel so free. And I celebrated with the two men who love me for who I am, no matter what I choose. By eating chicken wings.

25th Street, Ogden, Utah

Rooster's my favorite restaurant of all time

Happiness Research (Part I)

from The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner

Karma Ura (Bhutan): “I have no such mountain to scale; basically, I find that living itself is a struggle, and if I’m satisfied, if I have done just that, lived well, in the evening I sigh and say, ‘It was okay.’ ”

“Travel, at its best, transforms us in ways that aren’t always apparent until we’re back home.”

“Floyd was a large man, in the horizontal sense…”

“It’s a rotary phone. I can’t remember the last time I used one. It feels so heavy and slow, like dialing upwind.”

Tim LeBon (Britain): “Part of positive psychology is about being positive, but sometimes laughter and clowns are not appropriate. Some people don’t want to be happy, and that’s okay. They want meaningful lives, and those are not always the same as happy lives.”

“Where did this come from? I can’t identify one moment nor any particular position I twisted my body into. It just snuck up on me. Maybe this is how enlightenment happens. Not with a thunderclap or a bolt of lightning but as a steady drip, drip, drip until one day you realize your bucket is full.”