Whitney lives in San Francisco, and before that it was Maryland, before that France, and before that Juneau.
Melissa has a house in the suburbs and 3.5 kids
Brett joined the Peace Corps while I was in Spain
Allison figured out that I was never going to be the party girl she’d always wanted me to be
Carol forced me out of my own apartment, and several others are guilty by association
Nicole moved to Portland
Lindsey is a grown-up with expensive tastes (but she does occasionally slum with me, and that’s nice)
And of course my siblings, but they are frequently too grown up or too far away. (And sometimes too cool–even little Rosie)
I feel like everyone is going away from me.
Freshman year I lived in the dorms, and for the first few weeks everyone was super friendly and outgoing–kids hanging out in the hallway, getting to know each other in the common spaces, joining new people for dinner…friend-making mode. But about a month into the semester that all STOPPED, and suddenly it seemed taboo and desperate to go out of your way to introduce yourself, or try to join in the reindeer games, to put yourself out there. Teams had been chosen, end of story.
Sometimes I feel this way about Salt Lake. Like…like everyone is already established and happy with their own group of friends, and while there might be some light intermingling, there aren’t really any open positions.
So maybe someone from work invites me to a party, and I go and it’s a good time (drinking, dancing, laughter), and I might get invited to another party, but that’s as far as it’s going to go. We’re not going to become buddies, no casual hang-outs, no junk food and video games, or driving around, running errands. And it’ll still be not-so-comfortable at work, because deep down we know that we’re really only acquaintances. We cannot breach that divide.
I am so sick of dating my friends. Sick of making plans for movies, plans for dinner, sick of GOING TO LUNCH (seriously, how many friends do you have where all you ever do is go to lunch?). I just want to hang out. Eat popcorn and watch a movie. Get stoned and listen to records. I’m all for outings, but one-on-one it feels like a date, an interview, like too much pressure.
And you know what else I miss? Sleep-overs.
I just feel like such a creeper. Putting myself out there when it’s not appropriate, when the other person is not currently accepting new friends. In New York my cousins friends LIKED ME, and we GOT ALONG. They said I should move there, and I was blown away.
I had forgotten that I could make new friends, that someone could find me interesting and fun and want to spend time with me.
Whatever, this stuff is totally what fuels this damn blog, anyways–the essence of littlesarahBigWorld. I’ll just keep drinking alone.