Sometimes anxiety seems an old friend to me. Someone who comes to stay for a while, usually whenever I go through big life changes. Break-ups. Graduations. Etc.
“There’d Be Days Like This, My Mama Said”
Days where you are too anxious to eat, but Mom makes you tofu curry scramble and fresh salted garden tomatoes. So you eat, and you do feel better.
Days when you have to explain to your little sister what breaking up is, how if you are boyfriend and girlfriend with somebody, and you don’t want to be with just that person anymore, then you break up. And that means you don’t see each other as much anymore, and that means Rosie won’t be seeing her friend Kevin as much anymore. Do you understand?
She doesn’t, but she tries, and she holds my hand and kisses my cheek.
Days where you go to a Ladies’ Luncheon, laugh about the bad decisions you’re making, make light, feel better. More like yourself.
Days where you play music in a church, where beautiful girls sing pure and powerful, like sirens. And your friends tell you they love you, and when you lean your head on their shoulders, they lean back into you.
“And it’s harder as anything else”
“And I’m lonesome when you’re around”
“And I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself”
(lyrics from the song “Baby Blue Sedan” by Modest Mouse)
* * *
Not sure when this song became my life’s soundtrack, but I can’t get enough of it. It’s like my pulse, my marrow.
In other news:
-no longer half of anything
-and trying my best to be whole