cold | little sarah Big World

Adjustments

So cold in the morning I can see ice crystals hovering mid-air.

So cold in the kitchen that steam rises from freshly washed dishes drying on the rack.

Last week I was lying by the pool, not a thing to do. Seventy degrees and sunny in Palm Springs.

This week I feel that I must get out of the house, do something, anything, everything I can, just to stave of the mounting panic. This week I feel trapped, like a nesting doll, inside layer upon layer of confinement. Trapped inside because of the cold. Trapped under a thick city-wide blanket of toxic smog. Trapped in a web of my own anxious thoughts. Etc.

January 23, 2013

Cold Snap

The coldest winter I can remember, and days when it snows are actually warmer.

This is how we dress to go out, and suddenly everything is an adventure, like climbing Mt. Everest, except we are only going to a movie, or the grocery store.

The world is transformed–magical under the fallen snow, or bitter and harsh as the air and ground freeze–but strange and unfamiliar, either way. Bird houses wear ridiculous hats.

I try to keep positive, but the inversion is getting to me, bringing inner darkness and a deep sense of unease. I’ve always prided myself on bravely facing Winter, booted and gloved, like a challenge, or a chance for me to prove my inner strength and character.

This year, I find myself wanting to curl in, tuck my feet up under myself, and implode.

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September 4, 2012

History

I remember:

-Giant fake sequoias and a rising sense of panic, an urgent text–“I feel supremely un-okay”–and then reassurance, caring

-A long drive that turned out to be so much more perfect than a short one

-Your hand on my leg

-Almost crashing, over and over, but not really feeling scared

-Drinking bourbon straight from the bottle

-Holding each other, frantically, because this was finally real. It was touchable.

-Crying in the bathroom; missing my friends

-3 hours of sleep

-Watching you drink a mug of coffee, black

-A drive that I never wanted to end

-Waiting for you outside the bathroom

-Your hand on my back

-A long lazy lunch

-“Where does he think I’m from?”

-Stealing kisses in the car

-2 hours behind a budget truck (high centered), and absolutely not caring. Being content, just to be there. Just to be near you.

-Skipping a nap and dinner in favor of tall glasses of whiskey

-Being unable to get up off the couch

-A ridiculous party, never-ending laughs, running home, pretending to be asleep

-Piecing together the night before

-Popcorn for breakfast

-Coming home sweaty after a run to your smiling face

-Changing with the door wide open

-Screaming Turkish music, and meeting new people

-Feeling like I ought to live up to expectations; feeling unable to do so

-Being so, so cold all of the time

-Long walks

-A secret spot

-Saving the end of the story for later

-The Giggles

-A night in with mota, wine, and The Tip of the Iceberg

-Waking up earlier

-Talking for hours in bed, and an internal sigh of relief

-Teaching each other

-A complete meal (bet you anything those pancakes weren’t vegan)

-A walk on the beach

-Watching you watch me watch you smoke

-Hanging out, looking at pictures, smoking, talking

-Meeting my twin!

-SLAYING IT at karaoke

-After being so nervous and anxious that I was about to ask to leave

-Because karaoke is infinitely scarier to me than any other performance

-Because you were drunk and instantly so comfortable with me, while I felt uneasy. And guilty.

-Out of my element

-A failed dance party of two

-Your eyes

-A quick drive to the airport, and goodbye for now

* * *

I don’t remember perfection, but I remember everything. The amazing parts, the scary parts, the anxious parts, the hunger, the hangovers. It wasn’t perfect, and I am not perfect. I am real, and so are you, and so is this.

As real as the pain of its absence.

As real as the relief of its return.

little sarah Big World

Tag: cold

January 24, 2013