little sarah Big World

Tag: contentment

History

I remember:

-Giant fake sequoias and a rising sense of panic, an urgent text–“I feel supremely un-okay”–and then reassurance, caring

-A long drive that turned out to be so much more perfect than a short one

-Your hand on my leg

-Almost crashing, over and over, but not really feeling scared

-Drinking bourbon straight from the bottle

-Holding each other, frantically, because this was finally real. It was touchable.

-Crying in the bathroom; missing my friends

-3 hours of sleep

-Watching you drink a mug of coffee, black

-A drive that I never wanted to end

-Waiting for you outside the bathroom

-Your hand on my back

-A long lazy lunch

-“Where does he think I’m from?”

-Stealing kisses in the car

-2 hours behind a budget truck (high centered), and absolutely not caring. Being content, just to be there. Just to be near you.

-Skipping a nap and dinner in favor of tall glasses of whiskey

-Being unable to get up off the couch

-A ridiculous party, never-ending laughs, running home, pretending to be asleep

-Piecing together the night before

-Popcorn for breakfast

-Coming home sweaty after a run to your smiling face

-Changing with the door wide open

-Screaming Turkish music, and meeting new people

-Feeling like I ought to live up to expectations; feeling unable to do so

-Being so, so cold all of the time

-Long walks

-A secret spot

-Saving the end of the story for later

-The Giggles

-A night in with mota, wine, and The Tip of the Iceberg

-Waking up earlier

-Talking for hours in bed, and an internal sigh of relief

-Teaching each other

-A complete meal (bet you anything those pancakes weren’t vegan)

-A walk on the beach

-Watching you watch me watch you smoke

-Hanging out, looking at pictures, smoking, talking

-Meeting my twin!

-SLAYING IT at karaoke

-After being so nervous and anxious that I was about to ask to leave

-Because karaoke is infinitely scarier to me than any other performance

-Because you were drunk and instantly so comfortable with me, while I felt uneasy. And guilty.

-Out of my element

-A failed dance party of two

-Your eyes

-A quick drive to the airport, and goodbye for now

*       *       *

I don’t remember perfection, but I remember everything. The amazing parts, the scary parts, the anxious parts, the hunger, the hangovers. It wasn’t perfect, and I am not perfect. I am real, and so are you, and so is this.

As real as the pain of its absence.

As real as the relief of its return.

Do I Contradict Myself?

Very well then I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes).   [–Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”]

So, yeah, I did some more touristy things today. Went to a château, took a tour of some wine caves…SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DO TOURISTY THINGS EVEN AFTER COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM PUBLICLY. Sheesh. Here’s a preview:

Yup, cheesy poses and everything. (The idea here was that I was tired from working so hard all day in the kitchen. Of course.)

But let’s not get into that right now. I’d rather tell you about how the house-mates and I spontaneously decided to go to the little English-flavoured (see what I did there?) bar down the street after dinner.

Elizabeth, Dorie, Me, Mie

The waiter was super attendant (probably the first time he’s had four young foreign girls in there) and brought us lots of freebies. Like this meat-dip (for lack of a better word) with bread:

…and this drink with four black bendy-straws in it (pamplemousse + rosé):

…aaaaand these glow-stick bracelets. Which he bestowed upon us as a parting gift:

I think he wanted us to come back soon.

I think I will.

(Also: When I suggested that we go out for drinks–yes, of course, it was I who suggested it–Elizabeth said that I was like the older sister, and that she’d always wanted an older sister. I didn’t even feel old about her sentiment, just flattered. She also said the other night that she thinks I’d make a good teacher, that I seem like a teacher. It’s nice going out with my house-mates–somewhere between chaperoning and just hanging out. It’s nice going for long runs through botanical gardens. It’s nice practicing every night. It’s nice here. I like it.)

I kind of don’t want to go home…