~OR~
Introduction to Buenos Aires
Spent the afternoon out walking around with Jose, after napping for 2 hours on his bed.
I must seem so non-plussed to him, but really it’s just…I don’t know.
I guess I don’t feel any radical changes right now, despite being in a foreign country.
I guess it’s pretty weird that yesterday I was in the Spring and now I’m in the Fall. That, at least, continues to blow my mind.
So I lied. I acted like everything was sunshine and rainbows and self-improvement and growth. And it was.
Until it wasn’t.
Last night I cried myself to sleep, and not even softly, but in a major freak-out style. Bedtime is not my best time. Sometimes I lie in bed thinking of what I’ve posted for the day, and I’m like “Ugh, shut the fuck UP, Sarah.”
Sometimes the PMA and general optimism is too much even for me. The can-do attitude. You should know that’s not who I am, or at least not all the time. You should know that I’m moody, and that I am still having Spain-related regrets, and that I bawled loud enough last night that I’m pretty sure my neighbors heard me.
I tend to get super emotional around my birthday. Probably something to do with “another year passed” -style introspection.
Because I am not where I want to be, Friends. My jobs are fine, but they are not my life’s work. They are a way to make money, to mark the days flying past. Everything’s moved so quickly, since I got back from Spain, and I don’t like it. I’m all for being industrious, but not if being so busy means not a moment to spare to look at my life and ask myself what it is that I think I am doing.
Last night I realized I don’t know what I’m doing. I know what I wanted, what could have been, but those ships have sailed. Now all I know is that I don’t want this–to live in Salt Lake, surrounded by children, and weddings, to have so many empty social engagements and not enough opportunities to just sit down and talk, to be working nearly every day, early mornings and late nights, all in an effort to save up money, and for WHAT?
I don’t know for what, Friends. I don’t know what comes next. And so I cry.
* * *
Incidentally, the sight of my clean, dry dishes in the sunlight this morning pleased me in an inexplicably deep and sincere way. I have not forgotten how I felt last night. I need to look into that. But today I have a rack full of clean dishes, an example of some measure of foresight. And that pleases me.
For now.
New job.
My own desk.
More responsibility, less physical activity.
We’ll see how it goes.
Monday, June 14th, 2010
(airplane: NJ – SLC)
How is it even possible that I’m on my way home? How did time skip forward to this point, carrying me along effortlessly in the present moment until suddenly I wake up and the present moment is THIS, an inevitability so built up and anticipated as to be now mundane, almost. Commonplace, while at the same time it’s strange enough to be numbing, dissociating.
Maybe BECAUSE it feels so normal? So every day, as though I’d only ever been on vacation.
This is what Lucy and the rest of them must have felt, stumbling out of the wardrobe, finding themselves suddenly right back home again.
little sarah Big World 