little sarah Big World

Tag: friendship

The Year That Was

Funabashi, Chiba, 2014

~OR~

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You a Far More Easy-Going Person

*       *       *

2014 was the year I stopped feeling homesick. The year I ran my first marathon and fell in love with Japan.

Nagano, Japan, April 2014

The year my best friend rushed home from work to spoon me on her couch while I fell apart, crying in her exhausted arms.

The year I was held together by so many, from so far, in so may ways that it is unbe-fucking-lievable.

The year I learned you can’t always reciprocate, you just have to pay it forward, and be better than you were. Sometimes you have to live the “thank you” or “I’m sorry,” because saying it isn’t enough.

The year I was brave enough to say no, not ready, not yet (even if later I wailed and wished I’d said yes).

The year I got dumped, for the first time in my life.

Broken Glass, Japan, 2014

The year I realized that I had a choice, about whether to fall apart or not.

The year I flushed a fistful of pills down the toilet, breaking plans for a very dark date with myself.

The year I tried head meds, saved my own life, and then stopped them, quit counseling, and followed my own advice.

The year I realized that I know better than anyone else, when it comes to my own life.

The year I started making my own damn decisions, without endless debate or consultation.

The year I held my own hand, small in my bed, and knew that it was enough.

Daffodils, 2014

I almost didn’t make it through 2014. I had to learn to live for others first, then for my own self second. If I could say one thing to the whole wide world, I would say: it’s okay. Everyone is doing their best.

Shibuya Crossing on a Rainy Day, Tokyo, 2014

I want to dedicate 2014 to all of my many many loves, but especially to these people, for these reasons:

To Erin, for bringing me a cookie and sitting with me while I hid in a stairwell at work and cried.

To my mom, for patiently having the same conversation with me, over and over.

To my dad, for being my soulmate, and my friend.

To Scott, who talked me down off of a couple ledges, even if he didn’t know it at the time.

To the folks at Tokyo English Life Line, for obvious reasons.

Meguro, Tokyo, 2014

To Daniel, who told me his story, bought me pizza, and helped me plan a trip that I didn’t take.

To Nicole, who gave me a book like a friend, when I needed exactly that.

To Eric and Izzy, who shared their bed with me and rubbed my shoulders until I fell asleep.

To Granny, for telling me it wasn’t so bad, that we all have to kiss a few frogs.

To Gramps, for the necklace I wore like an amulet, a charm to protect against evils.

To Paul, and Felix, and Cha and Kobe, for reminding me that I could make friends.

To Nami, for putting it simply; to Nozomi, for Halloween.

Flowers, Kyoto, 2014

To Espy, for the letters; to Griggs, for the laughs; to Sperry, for the pep-talk; to Sydney, for the sunshine; to Havilah for the flowers; to Melissa for listening; to Nikki, for trying to understand; and to Natalie, for fighting with me and still loving me, even after I threw a temper tantrum.

To Sammy, for making time to see me and create the world’s saltiest nachos.

To Kendra, for that time by the pool.

To Kristin, who stopped me in my tracks, made me repeat myself, when I said: “I stopped writing in my diary, because I couldn’t write without hearing that voice, judging what I said.”

To Darcie, who gave me a new diary.

Letter from Havilah, 2014

To Kasey and Rosie and Sydney and Carol, for being brave enough to tell the truth.

To Manu, who sat with me at my hollowest moment, and knew that I would get better.

To Marcos, for a well-timed hug.

To Nanako, for being just like me, and for all of the smiles and food.

To Adrienne and Luca, my divoster parents. You bore the brunt of this.

Nagano, Japan, April 2014

To Cammi, for being proud of me, because I followed my heart, and “aint nothing wrong with that”

To Adam, for giving me back to myself.

To Melanie, for giving me permission to move on.

To Betsy, for the SkyMiles (!), but also for listening and sharing and wishing me the best.

And to Whitney, for everything, for giving me everything you had, and then giving some more.

Showa Kinen Koen, November 2014

To everyone who sat with me, when I was a husk of myself, thin and brittle and shaking and dull—for listening, for waiting, for explaining, for understanding, for that quiet small space where there was nothing to say, where you held me tight as the waves crashed overhead. Thank you for letting your hearts break open a bit, just for me.

2014 was a hell of a year; you made it unforgettable.

Yokohama, 2014

And 2015?

Oh, my friends.

My friends!

Palmer, AK, August 2014

2015 is The Year of Fuck Yes

Advertisements

Quality Time is Running Out

~OR~

Sister Sleepover, Round 2

@ Café on 1st

I realized recently how little time I have left–less than 5 weeks as I write this. The cold, the inversion, and the exciting/comforting/strange feeling of being newly married to my favorite person in the world had caused an intense bout of nesting.

Which is fine, except that in less than 5 weeks I’ll be able to see Chad every day, while I have to make due with letters, emails, phone calls and skype for all my other “other halves.” My dear, sweet friends and family. They are a rad bunch, and I am committed to hanging out with them in earnest, while there’s still time.

(photo credit: Miss Rose)

Last weekend I had a sister sleepover with Rosie, drinking and dancing with Griggs and the Stephanies, and a chakra workshop (it’s true, it’s all true) with Nicole.

inspiration credit: Rosie

While busy social whirlwind weekends like that used to overwhelm me, now it seems like it’s not enough. I’ve even made a To-Friendship list, just to ensure that I get to spend individual quality time with my greatest loves.

Because list-making–like running, or baking, or Dance Party of One–is a coping mechanism. And I am coping with the fact that I will miss my friends more than I could ever possible put into words, let alone a bulleted checklist.

But it’s a start.

The Best Day of My Life

~OR~

The Facts:

I bought my dress second-hand, paid for it in cash. $32.61. I knew as soon as I tried it on that it was the dress I would get married in. A winter wedding dress.

Literally everything was borrowed or second-hand, except my pantyhose. Which tore and ran before the ceremony.

Read the rest of this entry »

Date Night

Joshua Payne Trio

Lately I’ve been going out, having dates with my friends. A private party with wine and jazz here, a world-class quartet with a meet-and-greet there. Lunches. Movie nights.

heated by a wood burning stove

Hanging out is an art, as essential in its beauty, simplicity and fulfillment as air or water. For a time I needed a break. I was over-saturated. But now the climate has changed, and I need to feel quenched, to fill myself as full of friendship and memories as possible.

South Temple @ night

Like I am preparing for a drought.

Friendship Fridays

~OR~

“The thing about Twilite is you never know how long you’re going to be there.”
-Espy

Seious, old-timey Espy and Griggs OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

True. Because sometimes you just stop in for a few post-work beers before heading on to other plans, and sometimes Twilite becomes the plan.

And the thing about my friends right now is: they don’t know that every time we are together, I am fighting back tears.

Because they are just that amazing.

Because I’m going to miss them that much.

Homesteady

~OR~

City Mice and the Country Mouse

Last Sunday we took a field trip up to Garland, Utah–Bonnie Friend’s hometown.

She grew up on a farm, with horses, sheep, farm cats and apple trees.

We dreamed of petting barnyard animals.

Read the rest of this entry »

Inward

 

Sometimes I heal myself through art, Friends. Well…art and a steady stream of To-Do lists. That is life. For me, at least.

This smattering of memorabilia counts as both–something I’ve been wanting to tackle for a long time and something that I thought would bring a better sense of self to my living space and my life.

I call it my “Anti-Anxiety Mural,” and–much like its predecessor–it works like a charm. Like some form of spiritual nesting.

In other news: my very favorite person went out of town, and I’ve spent the weekend at home, making crafts and drinking, or baking and catching up with old friends, or drinking cocoa and watching movies in bed.

Or, you know, reading myself bedtime stories. Because I can. Because I want to. Because this is what being good to myself and living the life I want to looks like right now.

Just don’t ask me what that may look like in the future. I have no idea, and the mural’s only good for so much.

I Am Made Up of the Pieces of You

I sometimes feel insecure, fragmented, anxious, though I want to feel confident, composed and strong. I sometimes want to be gutsy, to chop off my hair, but somebody else beats me to it.

I sometimes develop an unhealthy obsession with a young woman who I think is better than me in most ways.

(Later, we become unlikely friends, and I see that she is just as awesome as I thought, and better. I remember that I am pretty awesome, too.)

Read the rest of this entry »

This Happened:

A hike happened, with 9 different ladies and only 1 common-denominator friend, thrown loosely together, after work on a Tuesday.

Read the rest of this entry »

Keeping My Secrets

Recently I said that even my bad decisions turn out to be good decisions. I tell the truth, try to be myself to the best of my abilities (this little light of mine…) and things come full circle. Or at least they feel real. Bad, but real. Anxious, but honest. Etc.

*       *       *

I’ve got plans, Friends, for the first time in a while. I wasn’t looking to make plans, but then they just started making themselves, and I am more than happy to go along for the ride. (Life is what happens to you…)

I now know what my life will look like for the next 6 months, and I’ve got a good hunch about Life after that. There will be crazy races, tattoos, haircuts, big moves, big decisions, lots of music, lots of hard work and as much time as I can possibly spend with my friends and family.

Because who knows when this charmed little chapter of my life will end?

I do, Friends. And I’m not telling.